The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"
The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"
A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"
"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"
Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."
A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday." I asked "When's payday?" He said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"
A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!"
Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"
I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
She has a wash and wear bridal gown.
Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.
She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.
This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.
Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!
A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The woman opens the door. "Where do you want these blinds, lady?"
A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell, and say, "Here's your husband!" The man's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair?"
n high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, "We want Youngman! We want Youngman!" The coach says, "Youngman - go see what they want!"
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
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